Thailand, Bye-Land

After almost two months in Asia, we were ready to come home. Intense heat, inconsistent food quality, disheveled sleep patterns, and a yearning for new accomplishments pushed us from the “I can’t wait to travel” to the “I can’t wait to settle down in one place for more than six days and not be sweaty as fuck all the time” type of mindset.

Traveling SE Asia was dope. Hands down, one of the most unique experiences of my life. Hands down, SE Asia was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life as well.

Some things that I learned:

  • Thailand truly is the “Land of Smiles”. Everyone is the nicest person you’ve ever met. Except for the pushy ping-pong show assholes.
  • Zan Harris is a machine. He can travel longer than me, harder than me, and still have the energy to be a wild man. Props buddy.
  • Some cultures are extremely rude and inconsiderate. Although, I think maybe their ideas of “rude” and “inconsiderate” are different from ours which is why they are the way they are.
  • When six or more ladies all say “maaassssaaaaaaaaaage” at the same time it sounds like a group of birds.
  • Some things, like ping-pong shows, that you tell yourself you gotta see, you might really not want to see once the opportunity arises.
  • People are mean to animals, especially dogs.
  • It might be better to play things by ear instead of planning an entire trip before you arrive. Some places you will like longer than others and it’s better to decide how long you want to be there after you try it out.

After the blistering heat in Chiang Mai, we went to Phuket where Bangla Road is the main attraction.

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Six months prior Jessica was in the same chairs:

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I think the first picture looks better. I totally rock that thong.

Our first night out drinking there I met a guy in the bathroom. We ended up getting pretty shitfaced with him and his girlfriend, and then never hung with them again. They kept asking to come to our room. I thought it was weird and asked if they were swingers. He said no. They kept asking about alcohol though so we think they wanted to drink our booze. Cunts!

Phuket was pretty sweet but we thought it would be a good idea to check out the Phi Phi islands. You know, like the set from the movie “The Beach” and all the other islands around it. We hopped on a fast boat, and we were on our way.

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Derp derp

We arrived at Maya Bay where my boy Leonardo likes to get himself into trouble, but The Beach was packed. Our boat could barely get through and the beach was just covered in tourists. The tour guides mentioned it was going to be like this. However, they only mentioned it AFTER we had paid them.

We decided to swing around the back of the island and we basically had a whole beach to ourselves – all 45 of us crammed on that boat.

We did some snorkelling too. That was a first for me. The fish were really cute and I wanted to play with them. They don’t like being touched though so they ran away from Colin the sea monster.

Okay, okay so enough of the boring stuff…

We took some boats to Koh Phangan where the Full Moon party is held… every full moon. This island was balls to the walls all about partying. They have the Full Moon party, they have a Half Moon party, they have a Black Moon party, they have a Jungle party, they have a Waterfall party, they basically make up any kind of theme to have a big party as often as possible on this island. We got off a ferry to the island two nights before the big shitshow and it was just hordes of 20-30 year olds looking retarded and ready to party.

I read about magic mushrooms before we arrived to Koh Phangan. The islands seemed to have the same set of laws as the Gili Islands have: none. Drugs are fine because there are no police. I did however read something that said you can get executed if you partake or distribute, but I wasn’t gonna allow some random blog cloud my judgement.

So the first night, we bought some Happy Shakes from our hotel manager. They were pretty good, but it basically felt like we just took some edibles. Not quite the punch in the face we were hoping for. We lazed around and watched the sunset and played with a puppy for like three hours. Pretty kosher I’d say.IMG_6068

The second night we met up with Zan and Nicole, my two buddies from Canada. We went to the Wipeout obstacle course and it was dope! We all got so hurt but it was so worth it. Definitely something we would all recommend. The next night was the Full Moon party. I don’t have many pictures of that because I don’t remember the whole thing 🙂

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Zan looks wise, but really he’s just wasted.

It was awesome seeing some friends from home. Even though Zan and I hadn’t hung out for a long time, we clicked like a couple clowns straight away. Those are the best friendships I say.

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The day after the Full Moon party, Zan, Jessica and I went for a walk. Actually, it was more like a mushroom hunt. Well, we succeeded in finding them.

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Us waiting for the… milkshake lady. Her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard… and a girl!

The place we were hanging out at was called Cats in Space. It was painted with psychedelic colours on it, and large cosmic cats. Everyone we asked along the way pointed us to this place, and when we arrived we knew we were there.

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We drank these dark black shakes that really weren’t half bad. A little funny but hey, that’s what we expected. In a short while, we were all of a sudden having a little more fun. Then a little more, and a little more.

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I have no idea why my nipple is out.

Yep, we had realized the Happy Shakes were living up to their name. We just lounged back and all of a sudden, there were a bunch of doggies. At first we didn’t know if they were real, and I was a little scared to be honest.

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This guy’s name was Bruce. His nickname was Hard Eyes.

These dogs were hanging out because there was one female they all wanted to… have their way with. Bruce came up close to me and I accidentally touched his eye. It was really hard. I had to find out if it really was hard, so I poked it. It was really, really hard. Thus, Hard Eyes was his new name.

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Goons

The female had one dog protecting her from all the other men. Whenever he would chase away the competition, a small little black dog would swing around the back and jump on top for a few humps. He was so sneaky.

We sat in that one spot for about three hours watching dogs take turns try to make babies with that one doggie, and we laughed hysterically because it was so weird. It seemed like just a normal day for everyone working there, and for the dogs it probably was too.

Towards the end of our day, we realised that the song Miss You Like Crazy by The Moffats was playing on repeat the entire time. Here it is if you’d like to have a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUlMp5A4GzM. For hours on end, we were entranced by horny dogs, and one sappy love song. I’ll never forget that day; the day we spent at Dog Rape Beach.

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“Check out my boat dick Zan.” “That’s a good boat dick Colin.” “Thanks man!”

It was a great way to end the Asia trip. Seeing some old pals was soooo needed for me. We had a few more days in Phuket and we had our sights set on our next adventure: Queenstown!!!

I probably won’t go to SE Asia any time soon, but it was a wicked good time. For the next little while, I want some cool weather, friendlier food, and a little consistency to my life and my bowels.

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Goodbye Asia! It’s time to find a job, and a home.

For now, Kusz out! ❤

 

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