Singa-Poor People Like to Visit Too!

Singapore is a spectacular city hands down. The contemporary architecture seems so new that it almost looks futuristic. Bending towers, floating gardens, and violet lit Supertrees exhibit how wealthy Singapore is. For those of you who don’t know, it is the most expensive city in the world.


The shopping malls were unbelievable. We stopped into Coach just for kicks and found gotti handbags for a minimum fee of $700, up to a maximum of your heart, your soul, and your first born child. We walked into a store with diamond-clad, hand-made cell phones in the six figures. We saw watches that cost as much as a house. The craziest thing of all was, we saw dickheads actually purchasing this shit.


Supertrees at Gardens by the Bay.


From left to right: boring ferris wheel we didn’t bother with; Supertrees; Flower Dome.

The lady telling us about the hand-made cell phones was enthusiastic, jolly, and did not try to push any sales on us. I asked her which of the phones she owned, the least expensive one in the case was $60,000. She said, “if I owned one of these cell phones, I would not be here right now.” We chuckled, thanked her for her time, and said we would be back tomorrow to make a purchase. The smile on her face told us that she knows I’m a broke ass.


“Hey look at me, I’m a broke ass.”

The infrastructure especially blew us away. The train line was unbelievably easy to navigate, and it caters to the needs of tourists marvelously. Every top attraction or cool place you want to check out has a train station within a 15-minute walking radius of it. The signage was brilliant. Everywhere you want to go basically has signs at each corner telling you where to go next. If you’re a foreigner like myself, they probably accommodate your language. The signs are usually written in four languages – English, Chinese, Indian, and something else with symbols. Is Indian a language? I have no idea but I think so. Realistically, I could Google it, but right now I CBF. In New Zealand that means “can’t be f***ed.” I’ve learnt some really cool phrases along my travels weeee!


Dancing along the boardwalk, which is why my hips are off to the side.

The only time we got lost in Singapore, was right when we got there and tried getting to our busted hostel. The only reason for that is because apparently, dipshit Colin can’t figure out a map if his life depended on it. By the way, never stay at Clifden Hostel in Singapore or you will be pissed off at yourself. You’ll even be pissed off at the Spanish fellow in your dorm sleeping in the bed next to you even though he didn’t do anything wrong. You’ll just hate him because Clifden sucks dick. I even thought about paying him to leave us the hell alone for a couple hours because he didn’t leave his bed once. At $19 a night, you get: five shitty sleeps, two ear infections, one soar throat, zero privacy, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh yeah, and don’t forget your “free breakfast” which consists of  shitty white bread with your choice of crappy ass condiments.

Pardon my complaining, but sometimes when you’re traveling, you just gotta bitch a little bit. The thing about bitching is, it feels great, and it’s free!


Universal Studios was sick.

We went on the Transformers ride twice which made me wicked nauseous. Apparently I can get car sick even if it’s a fake car driving through a city under siege.

We went on the Muppets ride and gave Big Bird and Bert the finger. I didn’t know if that thing was Bert or Ernie so I Googled it, and the search returned a page: Are Bert and Ernie Gay? Bahahaha

The dueling Battlestar Gallactica rollercoasters were really awesome too. The blue side is way better FYI. We squealed way louder on blue.

The Mummy ride was cool too. The whole thing was in the dark so you didn’t know which way your body was going to be yanked and therefore could not brace yourself for the inevitable whiplash. Twas truly an enjoyable treat.

The Singaporean folks really love this Merlion fellow. He’s everywhere. Big fountains, small statues, stuffed animals, chocolates, key chains and pins; he’s a boss around there.


I was low on water, so I drank Merlion saliva. Yummy yummy.

We went on the Night Safari at the Singapore Zoo. That was pretty dope also, except for the fact that some of the animals were still sleeping. I can’t blame them, it was night time, I wanted to be sleeping too. I guess the zoo keepers forgot which animals were nocturnal and which ones were… dayturnal?


After being in Indonesia for 17 days, I thought I’d be all “templed out,” but I saw some sweet pictures online so we gave it a shot. The Buddha Tooth Relic Temple was truly breathtaking; the pictures don’t do justice whatsoever. There were Buddhas everywhere. 100 Buddhas lined the walls with gigantic Buddhas as the centerpieces. Incense burned and people prayed. We didn’t see the obvious signs that said, “no pictures” until we were about to leave. For some reason, Jessica had to wear a cloth as a skirt around her legs. It seemed kinda sexist, since the shorts I was wearing were almost as short as hers, but I was allowed to bear my sexy flesh without a fret. At Garuda Wisnu Kencana in Bali, women aren’t allowed in certain places if they are menstruating (Hinduism). I feel so lucky to be a man because apparently, I can do whatever the f*** I want, freely. Thanks so much Religion, men will continue to be more privileged than women as long as you exist.

On our last day we checked out Haw Par Villa – created by the guys who invented Tiger Balm and made millions. Basically, it’s a park full of sculptures depicting scenes from Chinese folklore. The best part was the 10 Gates of Hell, which depicted how you would die in hell depending on what crime you did. For example, if you “money launder with exorbitant interest rates” you get “thrown onto a hill of knives.” It’s just sculptures getting killed and tortured in really twisted ways.


I have no idea what animals with gats has to do with Chinese lore.


I wanted to be a booger.

We also got to check out Gardens by the Bay again, the same place we saw the Supertrees the first day. We decided to pay the admittance fee to get into the two domes – Flower Dome and Cloud Forest. I’m glad we did it because it was so lovely and relaxing for my run down corpse of a body. When you travel, you walk a lot. Like, way too much. If you’re scootering, you’re scootering a lot. If you’re bussing and training, you’re bussing and training a lot. You do everything A LOT.

Sometimes, you just gotta pass TF out.

Screen Shot 2016-04-30 at 4.41.56 pm

Sleeping on the bus in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Now we are on day 3/4 in Kuala Lumpur, and we haven’t done anything whatsoever. We’ve walked five blocks to get smoothies and that’s it. That’s because I have an ear infection in both my ears and Jessica has a sore throat and a cold. I was able to get three kinds of antibiotics from the ‘klinic’ for 35 Malaysian Ringgit or $14 NZD – my home currency is now New Zealand dollars. So we’ve been staying in our room trying to rest up. Nurse Jessica applies ear drops to my cadaver three times a day, I pop antibiotics four times a day, and I stay on pain killers all day long. Yippee!


Nurse Jessica loves birds. So do I, when they go into my belly.

When you’re traveling for an extended period, you gotta pick your battles. We could man up and circumnavigate the city feeling like complete dogshit and risk getting sicker. Or, we could stay in and rest up back to full health so the last three weeks of our trip are godly. These are the sacrifices we must make now, so we can party our asses off in Thailand later. Full Moon party baby!!!

Until next time. Your kiwi and canuck. Out!


Having a ball together.


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